Sunday, January 29, 2012

What to do.....what to do........

2 a.m. Saturday morning. I have a headache and I am tired.
I am not in bed, which is where I thought I would be some hours ago, when the call came.
Yet again I am stood next to a gurney in A+E where my ma is lying in her nightie, waiting for a doctor to come and look at her. My pa is sitting on the chair next to us looking anxious and tired and yet relieved. I am there now, he won't need to mop her brow or listen to the staff or ask/answer any questions.
The mister is out in the waiting room trying to get some sleep on a hard plastic chair.
Ma is looking sad and sorry for herself and apologising to me for being a nuisance.
The lights are shining on the patches of pink skin that can be seen through her thinning silver hair.
I hold her hand and tell her not to worry.
We live just over an hour away from ma and pa.
We visit every week.
The fact that I wrote 'yet again' a sentence or so ago, explains perhaps why I am struggling with such mixed emotions at the moment. Why it is a struggle to not be angry and frustrated at the old woman looking so pathetic in front of me, and to remember that she is ill, in a way.
Ma thinks she has had a heart attack, or has a broken rib, as she has a pain in her chest.......'it's just here' she keeps saying as she moves her hand across her ribcage, all the while burping and saying she feels sick.
Pa rang me at 9pm last night to say that they had called an ambulance..........but we were 'not to worry' and that he would get a taxi home from the hospital....'she's bad...I don't know what to do..' he says in his quavery scared voice.........the voice that says without saying, as the mister points out, 'come and help us'.
Wearily, we drive to the hospital and spend hours until the early morning in A and E until some kind medic tells us what I had known before we even got into the car for the journey. That ma has not had a heart attack or broken a rib, that acid reflux and GAD are the reason for us all being there until 4 in the morning. The ECG, the examinations, the blood tests, the x-rays, are all normal. Not news that gives any succour to my ma. 'My leg hurts so bad sometimes..', she says almost hopefully, and a kind young doctor tells her that the pulse in both legs is great and there is no  circulation problem there.
The circulation problem is in my ma's head.
Weeks ago she had been discharged from the heart clinic. She was fine said the lovely lady consultant. The lovely lady consultant that my ma liked and never wanted to stop seeing. Ma was not happy with being discharged and if I were honest I could have put money on mom 'having a heart attack' in the weeks following this discharge.
I have lost count of the number of times we have had this journey, and the number of times that I have hated myself for being so angry with her and yet so sad for her at the same time. Her GP is losing or may even have lost patience with her now.
She is 81, partially sighted, with an irregular heart beat and a lifetime of being unhappy, self absorbed and to my mind a hypochondriac. If a medic suggests a test for diabetes or kidney problems or heart problems, then she will tell all and sundry that she HAS diabetes/kidney problems and has had heart attacks......she doesn't seem to hear the 'all tests were negative' bit that follows, and if we gently re-inforce that it is good news, she is well, then she is perplexed and says 'what is wrong with me then?' and gets angry.
Now she is home, in bed, and I am scared that one day the call will come and I will not go and she will die.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Youth is wasted etc.,.......

Busy day at work.
Tired.
Grey cold wet weather.
Back home to an empty house.
What will make me feel better?
Decide to put the lamps on, close the curtains, make the house feel lived in and then have dinner.
A big, and yes it was quite big.....a very generous portion, of roasted vegetables and vegetarian sausage.
Followed by 2.........ok 3..... slices of very tasty home made pecan syrup cake, made and gifted to me by a friend.....who knows how much I love cake.
One pot of tea later and I feel like I'm welded to the couch by my huge arse, with a sort of 'I think I've eaten a house brick' in the belly feeling.
On the TV is Tyra Banks and ANTM...if you have a teenage daughter you may be familiar with this televisual fluff.
I cannot stop watching.......thin young girls with cheekbones and energy posing away.........all being photographed by a GORGEOUS Italian photographer (Francesco Carozzini.....no I'd never heard of him before either) and it made me think how very true it is that most young women have terrible doubts and anxieties about their bodies and their appearance, and it matters not a jot if your mother tells you how beautiful you are, you just grr and growl and don't hold your shoulders back and wear baggy clothes and always feel ugly.........then, when you are a lardy old lady like me you look at pictures of yourself from your teenage years and think 'woah...I wasn't so bad back then!'..........wish I'd listened to my mum........

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Fambly.......

Listen up husband -
Don't bust your balls in this job for us.......extra money is always nice but we managed before and we will manage again. We have a lovely home, we eat, pay our bills, and still have tuppence and a tanner left over for charideee shopping and chocolate, so AT ANY time if you want to tell them what to do with the job then purleeese just go for it. I will always be here for you. I love you.

Son -
I am thrilled that you are engaged........to quote Barbra in TWWW  'your girl is lovely hubbel..' Being a husband and a father is exactly what is meant for you in this world...you are a wonderful man and it is time to hold your shoulders back a bit more and give yourself credit for being who and what you are at the same time as never letting the world walk all over you.....good guys don't always come first, so sometimes take chances, have faith. Taking this step in your life has made you, and here I quote your own words back at you 'feel taller, bigger, better and happier'..long may that continue....stand up for yourself more in work and find your voice....it is a good voice coming from a good heart and will be heard if you believe in yourself more......feed your confidence my son.....it needs to grow. I will always be here for you. I love you.

Daughter -
Beautiful. That is what you are. Inside and out. Stand tall and continue to be fabulous.
Work hard....plan....think about making dreams come true and taking action. Trust.
Do NOT take drugs/smoke/ignore that little voice inside your head and heart.
Remember your confirmation name.........add it to Hope......look forward and smile.....and cue music....'Don't stop believing....' No one loves their baby like their momma. I will always be here for you.  I love you.

Pa -
Remember to switch your mobile off after you have called someone.......I don't need to hear what is being broadcast at the bookies in the afternoon. Remember that we are here to help with you and Ma. You don't need to be scared. You are my pa. I will always be here for you.  I love you.

Ma -
Remember the quote? A coward dies a thousand deaths a brave man only one........well think about it more. You have your crosses to bear, but you have so much else in life too.....focus on the good.
Let go of the past. Mithering over people and events constantly is like taking poison yourself and hoping the other person will die......I know you are scared.....but breathe out......gather your thoughts and re-direct your energies. Consider the rest of us.......there was nothing wrong with you yesterday.....calling the out of hours doctor and giving us all anxious hours was preventable......those pills for the GAD? they need to be taken.  I miss the you of my younger days. I am sorry about so much in your life but it is not my basket of burden to carry. Let us laugh and talk and look forward. I will always be here for you. I love you.

Big sister -
You are blessed with a happy optimistic nature. I am sorry life has not always been kind to you.
I have no answer to how your life might be improved, I only know that drinking is not the way forward. Stop wasting your money on magazines. Continue with the physiotherapy. Little things in life give you pleasure and make you laugh and that is good. I will always be here for you. I love you.

Brother -
60 huh? well you don't look it. Seeing the pleasure that you now have from your grandchildren and family,  makes me like this person that you are much more than the womanising drinking secretive person that you were. Growing older with some grace suits you. I will always be here for you. I love you.

Sis -
Chillax! I know that is not what the young'uns these days say, but listen to your mother. All will be well. You are beyond blessed. If it all went horribly wrong tomorrow you know I would be there with you to hold your hand...I already have your heart..mom gave it to me so many years ago.... and wasting each and every precious moment of today in anxiety is just not very bright! and you are so very clever....work it out...take the pills of peace, breathe, smile and step away from the wine bottle now and again......and don't hate me for preaching....I have now and always will have  your best interests at heart. Don't need to say it. I love you.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Is beautiful the wrong word?

A surprise opportunity presented itself to me today to visit the National Arboretum in Staffordshire.
The day was crisp and cold and the sky was a gorgeous blue.

                                                                                   


I was struck by so many 'beautifuls'. The sky. The frost on the greenery. The skill of the construction of the memorials. The peaceful atmosphere. Humanity. The frailty of man. The beauty of spirit. Hope.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Yes.......

She said yes.
They have lived together for years so there will be no surprises.
My son proposed to his girlfriend yesterday.
She said yes.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Hello......

I am here.
I have not given up blogging ....was that a boo from the cheap seats?.
I have just been a bit distracted.
And yet, now that I have been to court (yes... the car thing....from 2 years ago....the judge found in my favour) and my sister has had a health scare dealt with, and my house no longer has Christmas decorations, and I am back at work, and my daughter is back at Uni., and my loved ones are all sorted in one way or another, ONLY now can I think about 2012.
Tonight I thank my lucky stars for all my blessings.
And with the wind in the right direction and a bit of gauze on the lens and some smoke and mirrors I might be able to make my blog posts a LITTLE BIT MORE INTERESTING THIS YEAR.

Sometimes this is just the right thing to hear......

Gavin Bryars...Jesus' blood never failed me yet.........look it up on youtube. I love Tom Waits and the one time I saw him live in Lon...