Thursday, December 30, 2010

Optimism!

After my 'gloomy' previous post....written much earlier today....I resolved to be optimistic and cheerful today.....to send out positivity.
I have changed beds, hoovered, pottered about, had a walk, hugged my daughter periodically and generally just had a good day.
And have just won £10 on the lottery! not life changing...but great all the same...and very welcome.
So ... positivity and optimism...that's the way to go!

Date changes.......

I do not embrace change. Change unsettles me. Looking back I can see that things that I saw as constants were in fact not. The universe lied. Presented me with something and then things were rearranged.

I am comfortable with what I know. How things are. Where things all fit together. Move things around and I am not excited. I am cautious. Anxious.

Yet I am not a stupid person and realise that some change is good and necessary. Sometimes change has made me smile and added greatly to my life and the lives of my loved ones. It has surprised me.

I was born in the 50's. Yes I am that old. Not in my head though.
As a child in a Catholic family I recall Mass being said in Latin. With the Priest facing away from us.
Not so now.

At school I was taught (with a slideshow) that if I sinned my 'soul' would be covered with tiny little black spots each time I sinned and eventually it would be black all over and I would be doomed.
I was scared. I have sinned. Was not always sorry. No longer worry about the state of my soul.

The currency we used was pounds shillings and pence. Later it was changed. Decimalisation.
I do not really feel comfortable with numbers and failed maths 'o' level. Shouldn't the change have made it better for me? was I really that stupid that I struggled with both methods?

Measurement was feet and inches. Liquid was pints. I still measure in pounds and ounces.

Being kind and good and honest was the way to go...so I was taught. Maybe not....bad people seem to prosper.

My Grammar school did not have a uniform. Then it did. It had one name and then another.

If you are hitchhiking around the country, kind people will give you lifts. Grown ups could be trusted. Couldn't they?.


I thought my parents would always be there to look after me...they would be strong and capable and protect me from everything and I could relax and they would be there between me and the world. They would be unlike other humans....they would be strong and not be flawed or insecure or unable to cope or just 'be their own person'.

I am what I believe to be called by the popular press 'the sandwich generation'. My elders needing care above me and children needing care below me. I am the middle.

This year is almost done. So far no-one is dead.  This is good.
Next year is an unknown quantity.
I do not step lightly across the threshold because who knows what is out there.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man only one. Or something like that. I am tired of living my life that way. Worrying and holding my breath. So far the fates have been kind to me. I will try to embrace change with a smile.

I will send out a wish to the moon and to mother earth and the fates and anyone who will listen that all humankind may have health and happiness and peace and joy in 2011.
Please join me...I do believe that there is power in prayer or just massed energy and hope and wishing.
Or just hanging on...taking each day as it comes.

If you have reached these last words I apologise for the gloomy nature of this post.
Here is my change....I will ....
Breathe
Smile
Love
Hope
xx

Monday, December 27, 2010

Holding up the queue....

We had another escalator incident today. Last time my sister stayed with us here for a few days, our trip into town proved to be too much for her in one way or another. She is having a lie down as I type.

She wanted to have a coffee and cake in town and watch the world go by. Ok then.....but in order for us to get to Costa for her to have a coffee (I don't drink coffee..and very rarely eat or drink in town....I prefer to just come home...sitting in a noisy loud shopping mall just to have a cup of tea doesn't appeal to me at all)  she had to use an 'up' escalator.
Not something she could contemplate doing.
We talked, we walked.
She decided to have a coffee and cake somewhere else.
We then needed to negotiate a down escalator. We tried, a couple of times, with her at the top and putting her leg in and out a la hokey cokey, but failing to fully commit, and twice I had to run back up a down escalator like a cartoon character to comfort a 60 yr old sister who was saying loudly 'sorry sorry sorry ooooooohhh can't do it' and move her to the side so that the 'determined to get a bargain' grim faced shoppers behind her were not overly inconvenienced.

Perhaps today was the wrong day. Maybe another time when it is quiet she will feel able to give it another go.
Maybe as I get older I have less patience. I just know that when I came in this afternoon I walked into the kitchen and from the bottle necked a glug of wine! I know!! Have never done that before but just felt compelled to do it....and truly I am not even a proper drinker...ask Auntiegwen....but the nectar worked its magic and now she is sleeping and I can do the crossword and tomorrow is another day.........

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Happy Christmas.....



I am lucky enough to have been given two early presents that I am enjoying already. Two music cd's put together especially for me..how wonderful is that? My daughter put together 'lots of stuff that I just thought you might like mom' and how well my child knows me...I love it all...some of it old that I am slightly familiar with, because I remember hearing it emanating from her room before she went to Uni., and it reminds me of her, and some new stuff that reminds me of Neil Young and Joni Mitchell from many years ago...goes to show that good voices and solid writing never goes away. The other cd is a gift from a friend at work....I mentioned that I liked Django Rheinhart and Stephane Grappelli. How kind of him to make a disc for me.......I am spoilt for choice....and  very lucky.....I have family and friends...truly blessed.

Took the above photo in the garden.....nearly trod on it and then looked down.....looks like a festive heart to me.......Have a happy and healthy Christmas and a wonderful new year.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

it's a wrap...

Have wrangled time off work for tomorrow and Friday..huzzah.

So why did I spend hours wrapping presents last night, making me shattered this morning? because I was gripped by 'the urge' and we all know what that is like don't we?
Whether the object of our fevered mission is wrapping presents....going out with the wrong boy (yes mother you were right) or buying something that doesn't quite fit but it is so lovely and if I just give up cake...... reason flies out of the window.....words of wisdom from loved ones count for nothing...we are on a mission and will not be stopped....

Honestly will we never learn?

give up cake? like that is ever going to happen..............

Monday, December 20, 2010

up in smoke..

When I was a baby my mother received a letter from her father 'back home' in Ireland. Her mother was ill and she should, if possible, get home in order to say goodbye. There was little money, my father was working long hours in a factory and could'nt take unpaid time off, she had two other children and I was unwell. She spoke to our family GP, who was also Irish, and had in fact delivered me at home. Should she leave me? what was his advice? He told her that she should say a prayer for her mother but stay here with me, her baby, who needed her more. She took his advice with a heavy heart, and always regretted it.  Many, many years later I was able to take mom to her mothers grave. It was a strange feeling, knowing that I was the reason mom had not been there when her mother was laid to rest.

At the weekend mom wanted me to take her to the graveside of her brother to lay a Christmas wreath. The snow is quite deep and a journey that should have taken less than an hour took well over one. Once home and free of coats and boots, we had a cup of tea. She said that as a child it was not unusual for her to share her bed with her mother, and that she remembered looking up at her mother, who would be saying her rosary quietly, and my mother making a wish that she would never see her mother dead, or in a coffin. How strange, she said, that I got my wish. She remarked on the letter from her father, and casually said 'I looked at it again not so long ago...then I put a match to it and said a prayer...'.

This conversation and the subsequent emotions I felt have been on my mind since then......I too don't want to see my mother dead or in a coffin....what does the future hold? and how I wish I had seen the letter...she often said that her father had beautiful handwriting, and to know that a letter that I had no knowledge of was in the house and I could have read it, seen my Grandfathers words, unsettled me somehow..of course it was her's and private to her but how I wish it had'nt gone up in smoke

Friday, December 17, 2010

So....

Had to had my 'tash threaded off today....(TMI?)...and as she did it she suggested that she could do my eyebrows.....now I normally only have done what I want to have done, but just lately my brows had been looking a bit odd...thick at the nose part and practically  invisible from half way along...so I agreed with her and she gave me the 'shape and dye'.....

It is a good job I was coming home in the dark....

and my husband looked at them just now and said if I had  'the lips painted in a bow in a weird colour and the small circles of blusher' then I would indeed look like a lady of a certain age who enjoys care in the community......I certainly could scare young children and the cats are keeping well away from me at the moment.
I'm going out tomorrow night......shall I try nail varnish remover?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

WTF?

It is not possible to move seamlessly into another life.....I closed my eyes, clicked my heels together but nothing happened.
Just in case you were wondering. Which I doubt. Let's face it. You all have lives. I'm going to ask for one for Christmas.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

heads or tails.....

Shall I have a cup of tea? or a glass of wine?
Shall I write Christmas cards? or do the crossword?
Have a bath? a shower?

Stay who I am, where I am, doing what I do?

OR
OR
move seamlessly into another life......................................

is that ever possible?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Don't panic.....

Why am I so unconcerned about the fast approaching Yuletide? I am not in a tizz about presents or shopping or cleaning or guests or food or anything really. Have I finally grown up? Am I now a mature, middle aged woman who can and will just get on with things and make it all ok on the day?
Here's hoping.....this may be the calm before the storm....either way I shall be here with a glass of something, snuggling in and smiling.........watch this space.....

Monday, December 6, 2010

on the inside??

My house is cold. We have central heating. Carpets. Thick curtains. Fires. Electric blankets. I am wearing a damart vest!  Yet it never seems to be warm. The loft is insulated. My husband thinks that I feel the cold more than anybody he knows. Even he thinks it is cold here.
This morning there was ice on the inside of the landing window.....ICE.......there is no hope......

Mistletoe tree....

There was a mistletoe tree in the garden! I was so thrilled. Not sure why, it was just so lovely. This photo is not so good....but it was soooooo cold I was just pointing and shooting and not worrying too much about the picture. Have just had a weekend with friends in the country..lots of walking, drinking and eating and just enjoying a break from our work lives. I do appreciate the fact that we are able to book these breaks away. Sadly, the house we stayed in was so lovely I did'nt want to come home! Yet now we're back I realise how lucky I am here too...a roof, central heating, water, drink, food, t'interwebby stuff and two cats that seem to have missed us......and I am beginning to feel the Christmas spirit............

Friday, December 3, 2010

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

coming home.....

Have been out with colleagues after work for a pizza and a bottle of wine. Our small Christmas social if you will....I don't do the office party type things......bah humbug me...but just a couple of mates after work was good.
Came home on the train and there is no-one around....no-one....streets are empty...houses are curtain-shut sealed.......no cars...no people around....cold wind......all quiet and peaceful.

Enjoyed my walk to my house.....my home.

Sometimes this is just the right thing to hear......

Gavin Bryars...Jesus' blood never failed me yet.........look it up on youtube. I love Tom Waits and the one time I saw him live in Lon...